All That Matters
by TribalVipe
Summary: "Right now, out of everything that had happened and everything that would happen in the future, that was all that mattered to him." Barson. One-Shot.


A/N: I know we're still all sad, and trust me when I say I was crying when I wrote this, but Rafael Barba lives on in fic! I have high hopes that he'll make a reappearance somewhere down the line, but for right now, I'm glad Raul is out there doing what he wants to do. He's made us happy for the past six years and he'll continue to do so in whatever he does next! I hope you guys enjoy this little one-shot I wrote up. I do not own SVU or its characters. ENJOY!

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After nearly three weeks and a long, drawn out break so the press could die down, he was back at work. This time, in a different area of law.

Not exactly law, per say. More like teaching it to young, hopeful lawyers.

He wasn't sure about the position when he first was offered it. He had a connection within the NYU Law program, and after several meetings (with several talks about his not guilty verdict and case in general), he decided to throw caution to the wind and take the job.

In the back of his head, there was a voice that called to him…telling him to stay home and lay in bed like he did for a week after he left the D.A.'s office. In that time, he hadn't talked to anyone or done anything. He cried, he barely ate, he didn't shower. All he did was stare at the wall and read the coverage of his case…all the comments, both good and bad, from people who either agreed or disagreed with what he did.

He struggled in that time to really come to terms with what he did. Even though he hadn't completely, he was beginning to feel better. He'd had contact with the family after the fact, and even though it was a rocky discussion, they all could agree that the baby was at rest now. He wasn't in any more pain.

He also struggled with how he compared this to his father's struggling.

It was a decision that was made in the moment. He wasn't thinking about consequences when he flipped that switch. He was thinking about how he felt way back then, seeing his father struggle and in pain all throughout his slow death. When he flipped that switch…all he could see was his father.

That was another piece of shit to add the growing pile of emotional baggage he was going to carry for the rest of his life.

And all he'd been trying to do for the past few years of his life was attain happiness. He was the furthest away from it now than he'd ever been.

The only bit of it he'd felt these past three weeks came from the likeliest source. The source he'd left behind in front of the courthouse after a vague love confession and a kiss on the forehead.

He finally returned her calls and messages after that week where he couldn't fathom human interaction and cried with her on the phone. She comforted him with words, which she was always so good at, but he craved her touch. A pat on the shoulder…a hug…something more…?

He sighed and knocked on the apartment door he was standing in front of. He hadn't seen her face in three weeks and the anticipation was killing him. Phone calls and text messages nearly every day wasn't enough for him. He needed to look into her eyes. He needed her to see what he was thinking and feeling.

When the door opened, he didn't expect to be hit with so much emotion. Her eyes teared up along with his and they stood in the doorway, holding each other and crying into each other's shoulders. The entire event had been so emotionally taxing on her and he hated himself for that. He told her to leave well enough alone, but she hadn't and he knew she wouldn't. He couldn't blame her for that, though. All the blame needed to be pinned on him and him alone.

She pulled back a little, face red and nose stuffy, "Hi."

"Hey," he said back softly, planting his hands on her hips. It was late enough that Noah was asleep and she was in her pajamas and the lights were turned off in her living room. The only light he could see came from her bedroom down the hall.

"I'm sorry I came so late…I needed to see you…," he trailed, wiping his thumb across her cheek. She leaned into his touch, eyes bright as she smiled softly at him. He was worried, when he first called her, that she was going to be so angry and hateful towards him. He told her so, before she could even get a word in, that he deserved all of it. For being a murderer, for leaving her like that…for not telling her sooner that he felt something deeper for her than friendship.

But, she wasn't angry or hateful. She was hurt, sure, but she knew who he was deep down. He didn't do all of this for no reason. He was a good man with a heart too big to fit in a lawyer's world anymore. He wanted to believe her, but it was going to take a long time to do so.

"It's ok. I've been wanting to see you. Come in," she pulled him in and took his coat from him. He was dressed down in jeans and a hoodie. They were hastily thrown on after the overwhelming urge to trek over here had won out against sleep.

He followed her into the apartment, down the hall and into her bedroom, where the bed was in the middle of being unmade and a book and her reading glasses were laying on the unoccupied side. He sat on the edge with her, immediately grabbing her hands in his. They stared at each other for a while, just taking the other's presence. For the first time in three weeks, he felt calm…like things were going to be ok.

"It's not the same without you," she started, sighing shakily. Tears were gathering in her eyes again and he reached back up to cup her cheek. He wiped away the stray tear that fell again and he saw all the sadness and stress in her eyes when she opened them again. He knew he was the cause of it and he tried to swallow down his own tears.

"I'm so sorry, Olivia. You have no idea how sorry I am…," he replied, voice thick. He could feel himself tear up again. He had a feeling they were both going to be sobbing messes by the end of this conversation. "But…I couldn't stay. Not after everything."

"I know. I know…I get it. Trust me. It just doesn't feel right not seeing you every day."

"I know," he said, letting his own tears freely fall in favor of wiping hers away. She looked up at him and chuckled a little, seeing his own red, watery eyes.

"I miss you so much," she whispered, bringing her hands up to grasp his wrists. He sighed and sniffed, doing his best to stop crying so he could tell her everything he needed to say. Everything he'd been wanting to say for so long now.

"I miss you, too. I've missed you every single day." He took a deep breath and sat up a little straighter, moved a little closer. Liv leaned into him, leaving just a few inches of space between them. They'd never been this close before. Sure, the occasional hug brought them closer…but not like this.

"I love you, Olivia.

She bit her lip and smiled, closing her eyes as another onslaught of tears poured down her face. She opened her eyes again and nodded, saying the words back to him in between her incessant crying. He pulled her back into a hug, holding her until she calmed enough.

"I've loved you for a long time."

She shook her head and cupped his cheek this time, searching his wet, green eyes. "Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you say something?"

He looked away, down at the floor. He'd gone back and forth with himself so many damn times over the past few years, he lost count of the pep talks he'd given himself. But in the end, he knew why he didn't. "I didn't want to risk our friendship. Our working relationship. It was too precious to me. You were the only person that could make me feel like what I was doing mattered anymore…I couldn't lose that knowing you didn't feel the same."

"But I did. I still do," she answered right away. Yeah, he knew that. He could see it in her eyes when he left her that day. It replayed so many times in his memory since then. It was what brought him over there tonight, amongst other reasons.

"We were a good team. We did great things together. Now that I don't work with you or D.A.'s office anymore…I couldn't hold it in anymore. I tried telling you before…but I wasn't in the right state of mind." She understood that, as well.

"So, I'm telling you now in hopes that maybe we can do something about this. Because, I've been dying to kiss you for like five years now."

She laughed out loud and brought one of her hands to his neck and the other threaded through his hair. Their foreheads met and she smiled at him through the tears that had stopped. "You mean six?"

He chuckled and nodded, the smile slipping off his face, "I mean since the day I met you."

No more words were said after that. Their lips met in a slow, burning, passionate kiss that transcended all fantasies he'd ever had had about this moment. Her lips were soft and she tasted better than he could imagine. They stayed that way until they couldn't breathe and when they pulled back, they smiled at each other in a daze.

"Stay," she whispered. He could feel the desire rolling off her and there was no way he was going to deny her that request. They'd both waited too long for this and there was no sense in waiting any longer.

"I'll do whatever you want me to," he whispered back hungrily and captured her lips again. She pushed him back onto her bed and straddled his hips, pressing herself into him.

Hands traveled up under her shirt, feeling her bare skin and he nearly moaned at how soft it was. Just like he imagined.

She sat up after a minute and pulled her shirt over her head, revealing her braless chest to him. He sat up and kissed her all over, pulling a hardened nipple into his mouth. She panted and arched into him, letting her head fall back as his lips and tongue worked their way from her neck to her breasts and then back again.

Eventually, he rolled them over and loomed over her, quickly ridding himself off his hoodie and shirt underneath. He was desperate to feel her skin on his. He helped her out of her pants and underwear, revealing her wet need to his gaze. She was beautiful, all bare and spread out in front of him, moaning softly as his fingertips grazed against her thigh. This was better than any dream he'd ever had.

"Rafa," she said, breaking his gaze with her foot as it landed on his chest and slid up his shoulder and eventually, hooked over it. He could feel her tugging to try and bring him closer, and his erection was so painfully hard now, he felt like he was going to go up in flames if he didn't do something about it.

He shucked his pants off the best he could and wasted no time in pressing into her, which was what she was damn near begging him for. They both moaned and gasped loudly, feeling her tight heat wrapped around his length. He was buried to the hilt, and nothing in the world had ever felt so right.

He moved against her gently at first, both enjoying the closeness and intimacy as they stared into each other's faces, both so filled with love and affection it nearly brought tears to their eyes again. But, after a while, it wasn't enough anymore.

Liv mewled and arched her back, "Faster, baby." He groaned at the words and braced himself against the bed, speeding up and thrusting into her harshly. The bed moved with the force of his hips snapping against hers, the sound of their wet skin meeting joining in with the noises.

They didn't last long after he sped up and soon, she was quivering, shaking mess of high-pitched moans and gasps and he was filling her silently, mouth open and eyes closed as immeasurable pleasure poured through him.

He collapsed on top of her and groaned into her shoulder, feeling completely useless as her arms and legs wrapped around him. She hummed and sighed, kissing her way from his shoulder to his neck and behind his ear, her fingers brushing through his sweaty hair. They stayed there, breathing heavily for a long time, until he felt like he could move. He rolled off her and looked at her, meeting her loving gaze and returning it.

She cuddled into his side, feeling oddly comfortable in the sticky, sweaty aftermath of their sex. They shared soft, gentle kisses in the silence of her bedroom, enjoying just being together after three weeks apart. After a few more minutes basking in the glow, Liv rolled away from him to put her book and glasses on the other nightstand and hit the lamp switch, descending them into darkness.

It was unspoken that he would stay there for the night, so he reached down and pulled up the blankets, letting her find a good spot to rest her head on his shoulder so they could settle in.

She kissed his chest again and wrapped her arm around his belly, one leg over his. "I hope you don't have plans tomorrow."

He snorted, but then remembered he hadn't told her about his new position. "I took a job with NYU. They needed an adjunct professor for some of their law classes and I have a friend who works there."

"Teaching?" She sounded surprised, but he smiled and shrugged.

"I need a break from being a lawyer. 21 years with the D.A.'s office is a long time…and I just want to get as far away from it as I possibly can right now."

"You don't think you'd ever return?"

He had mulled the idea over in his mind a few times, but those thoughts weren't worth keeping at the moment. "Maybe, sometime in the future, after I've stopped hating myself for what I've done. But right now, I need a change of pace. And that includes this job…you, and Noah…if you'll have me?"

She shifted and leaned up on one elbow. She took his chin in one hand and kissed him. "You're not going anywhere."

He laughed and pulled her back to his chest, feeling at peace as sleep pulled at his mind and body. She settled back into him as he kissed the top of her head. After a long moment, she opened her mouth again, voice sleepy, but what she said made him smile.

"I've always had a thing for professors."

God, he loved this woman. She loved him, too.

Right now, out of everything that had happened and everything that would happen in the future, that was all that mattered to him.


End file.
